Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

Nitz the Bloody
Wed Sep 01, 2004 at 04:59:42 pm EDT
Subject
Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #5: Viewer Discretion Advised?!
[ Reply ] [ Email To Friend ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Next In Thread >>

Note: This is a bit more suggestive than other stories I've written, so if you're sensitive to that sort of thing, you might want to skip this one.

Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #5
By Neil Kapit

“ I’m going out to the Zeku Dimension for the day. I’ll see you guys later. “

” Don’t you want to watch your soaps? All my Children comes on in a couple hours... “

” Sorry, Tricia, I’m trying to stop watching that crap. I’ll see you later. “

” Where’s Joan, by the way? “

” She said there’s a problem with her batteries. She’s going out for repairs for today. “

” You think there’s anyone who can fix her? Joan’s more complicated than anything else science knows... “

” She’s, um, going to Bautista Enterprises. Yeah. “

” Don’t they charge money for these sorts of things? “

” God damn it, I just wanna go out! Can’t you get off my back?! “

” Fine..... “

After humiliating himself in front of his friends, Nitz opens a hole in the fabric of reality by swinging his cudgel vertically. He enters the purple tear, and exits it thirty feet below their home, in an alleyway between two delapidated apartment complexes. Joan stands there in her human form, wearing a cotton yellow T-shirt and generic pair of jeans.

“ Do they suspect anything? “, she asks.

“ Probably not. I hope.... “ Nitz shrugs.

“ Your ability to deceive is questionable. “

” Do you think you could change your voice a bit? You won’t fit in with human society if you have a mechanical tone all the time. “

” I....can.....try “, Joan says, shifting between an extremely high-pitched tone and a very deep voice.

“ So where shall we go? “ she wonders, trying to sound happy and instead sounding like she has ingested helium.

“ Anywhere we want to, “ Nitz replies with a grin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Zeku dimension is a featureless void. It is far outside the range of any known solar system. Very few people have ever been to it, and they have not revealed it to scientists. Probably just as well, because science could not ever explain it. Though the dimension is completely without any solid, liquid, or gas substance, it manages to have a breathable atmosphere for any species. It provides a perfect fit for any individual fortunate enough to go there.

It is also the perfect place for any young couple looking for seclusion.

“ When you said anywhere, I had no idea you would take us this far away from civilization. “ Joan states.

“ We could always go somewhere else, “ Nitz replies. “ I can teleport us anywhere on Earth. “

” Where would we go? “ Joan asks. “ Nowhere on Earth can I blend in with society. I am a machine in a world dominated by organic beings. “

” I know the feeling, “ Nitz shrugs. “ I don’t really fit in either. “

” With all due respect, you have no idea of what I go through. You can take off your armor at any moment and be completely normal. I can only put up an outward humanoid shell, and even then I do not fit in. There are so many subtleties to your world that elude me. “

” Well, this is a perfect vantage point for that. “

Joan looks puzzled. “ What do you mean, “ she asks.

Nitz takes his cudgel out of its satchel and whacks the atmosphere around him. Within seconds, a vast screen emerges from the nothingness, showcasing a view of the Earth spinning on its axis. Nitz points his cudgel forward and the screen focuses in on the Earth, zooming towards a small beach on Sydney, Australia. It is populated by an abundance of attractive men and women wearing very little.

“ I can go anywhere I want with my powers, “ Nitz grins. “ I can show you anywhere you want to see. “

Nitz continues to swing his cudgel around. With each movement of his arms, the view changes. He shifts the screen’s image to a seedy bar in Amsterdam, where young men and women dance to trance music and ingest large quantities of substances. He follows by shifting to a Masai wedding ceremony in Africa, and then transitions to a young American married couple in Hawaii, the man carrying the woman into the hotel room and grinning profusely. Finally, he goes to a small family in rural China, where a father and son work together in the fields.

“ See, it’s not so hard to be human. People across all cultures meet, fall in love, and choose to live together. It’s the universal constant in the world, and it truly is what makes the world go ‘round. “

“ I thought that the gravitational pull of the sun did that, “ Joan mentions.

“ Obviously you’re not versed in figures of speech. But the point is, that what you’re going through is perfectly normal. “

” But I am not human, “ Joan laments, looking down. “ I wish, more than anything, that I could be one of you, that I could feel the way you feel. But I am but a machine, an outer shell hiding nanotech components. “

” But you already are human! “ Nitz explains. “ The things you feel-- love, sadness, happiness, devotion-- they’re all human emotions! It’s not what’s outside that makes you human. Humanity more than just meat. “

” I see, “ Joan states. “ So why are our outings are exclusively limited to the Zeku dimension, where nobody but an ancient rhinoceros god watches? “

” Hey, Zeku hasn’t made any complaints. “

” I would like to go out on a normal date, Nitz the Bloody. I would like to blend in with ordinary humans and do as ordinary humans do. “

” Fair enough. So where should we go? “

” You lead. I will follow. “

“ You really are the perfect girlfriend, “ Nitz says. Joan cracks a smile.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a beach in Sydney, Australia, Joan proves that robots make perfect surfers. Handed a board arbitrarily, she manages to surf without falling off the board once, her internal gyroscopic motors giving her perfect stability. In an hour of surfing, she picks up the concept flawlessly and amazes the crowds. Nitz, on the other hand, sits alone on the beach in his baggy red trunks, after only five minutes of attempting to surf ( all of which involved him “ eating it “ ).

When Joan returns to the sands, a large, tanned man notices her and her startling black bikini. He immediately runs up to her. This, of course, grabs Nitz’s attention immediately, and he starts to approach Joan as well.

“ Hey, “ the man says, his muscles flexing as he walks, “ You’re pretty hot stuff. “

” I am not overheated, “ Joan mentions.

“ I mean you’re really good at surfing, “ he clarifies.

“ Thank you. I am relatively new at the concept, but my abilities seem to be improving. “

” Hey, you wanna go back to shore and get a drink? My name’s Tad. “

” Thank you, Tad. I am Joan. I would be delighted to join you in alcohol metabolization. “

Nitz breathes a mighty ahem. “ I think we should go, Joan. I, uh, left a, er, food in the oven. “

” Why, Nitz? I am enjoying myself. “

” Look mate, “ Tad growls, “ Let the lady make up her own mind. “

” You keep your paws off her, you overmuscled prick. “

” Oh yeah? What’s a skinny little turd like you going to do? “

” Excuse me, do not threaten my man. “, Joan interjects, and points her finger forward. A small cloud of greenish gas escapes a small hole in her fingernail, and blows at Tad. He starts choking and gasping, holding his throat. Several people from the crowd stop what they are doing to look at the nice man who’s innards feel like they’re aflame.

“ What the hell did you just do to him? “ Nitz shouts.

“ I defended you, “ Joan states. “ I used chlorine gas to stop a potential threat. “

” CHLORINE?! You used chlorine?! We better leave. “

“ But I was enjoying myself.... “

” NOW. “

Nitz grabs Joan’s hand, shouts “ Transporteku “, and the couple dissipate, leaving no evidence that they were ever there behind. Except for one beach bum with badly irritated lungs.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the Zeku dimension, Nitz is in a position he has never been in before; having the long, hard talk about a relationship. Joan listens intently.

“ Look, “ Nitz snaps, “ We don’t use deadly gases on people we don’t like. It’s uncivilized. “

” I was merely trying to defend you, “ Joan states. “ That man could have hurt you. “

” And I wanted to hurt him, “ Nitz replies, exasperated. “ I know dozens of death spells that could have killed him instantly. But I don’t use those spells because it’s not right. You don’t hurt people over such trivialities. You only do that in emergencies. “

He sighs, looking away from Joan. “ Look, maybe this was a mistake. Maybe it wasn’t right to get involved with my robot maid. “

” What are you saying, “ Joan asks. “ Are you performing the finality known as a ‘ break up ‘? “

“ I don’t know, “ Nitz sighs. “ I just wanted a girlfriend more than anything, but I wanted a human one. One who knew the rules of social interactions. “

” Do you ? “ Joan asks. “ Is that why your only friends are a lemur and a plant? “

” This ISN’T about me. “

” I think it is. You are ashamed of me. You wish to have an organic girlfriend. “

“ But, “ she continues, “ I can be organic. I am a completely adaptive technorganism. I am capable of learning anything. I will learn how to be the girlfriend you want. Just tell me what to do and I shall do anything. “

Anything? Nitz wonders, then shakes his head rigorously. “ I’d like to believe that. “

“ Then do not just believe it. KNOW it. “

“ Okay, “ Nitz shrugs, “ Let’s try this again. “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Cruz is just one of the Galapagos Islands off the coast of Ecuador, South America. It is a volcanic isle, a field of igneous rock and vegetation with long lava tunnels and huge tortoises. It is also the current residence of Nitz the Bloody and Joan, who sit side-by-side in one of the tunnels. They have chosen a place far from society, much less Tads.

“ I find myself drawn to these tortoises, “ Joan explains. “ Their small beady eyes, their rough leather skin, their awkward, slow walk....there is a human word for how they are described, but it escapes me. “

” Cute? “ Nitz suggests.

” Exactly. They possess the qualities known as cuteness, appeal. Like you do. “

“ Me? Cute? “ Nitz almost gasps.

“ Of course, “ Joan smiles. “ Your scraggly brown hair, your twitchy eyes, your small and untreated spots of acne, your... “

” That doesn’t sound like cute. “ Nitz interrupts, blushing.

” You are perfect in your imperfections. My creator was obsessed with order, obsessed with creating a perfect world of machines. But I found myself drawn to you, with your sarcastic attitudes and your unusual looks. “

“ And who was your creator? “

Joan’s head starts spinning as sparks fly everywhere. “ I---I---I---I cannot say... “

” Alright, it’s not important then. So you picked me because I was the least perfect? “

” Not quite, “ Joan states as she rearranges her head, using her arms to push it back onto its neck. “ The most organic. “

Nitz pauses. He thinks of the words “ More than Meets the Eye “, then thinks of the Transformers theme song. The catchy jingle rings through his head, as he tries to focus on the situation at hand. When he finally pushes the Transformers theme out of his mind, Joan is on top of him, pushing him against the volcanic wall.

“ I am looking for human sensations, “ Joan announces. “ You shall provide them. “

” Ummm....okay. “ Nitz uneasily smiles. Joan kisses Nitz with all her cybernetic strength, her mouth touching his as she runs her hands down his clothes, fiddling with the buttons and zippers. Only giant tortoises are watching, and they keep their secrets well.

NEXT: The truth comes out.



ip68-6-65-36.sb.sd.cox.net (68.6.65.36) U.S. Network
Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.22/Apple MacOS (0.72 points)
[ Reply ] [ Email To Friend ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Follow-Ups:

Echo™ v2.1 © 2003-2005 Powermad Software
Copyright © 2004 by Mangacool Adventure